I’ve been thinking a lot about my Jesus at the temple dream. What does it mean for me? What is God trying to tell me?
My world has spinning layers of complexity. My MIL is a borderline and the family dynamics are shifting. Some acknowledge her mental illness and others in her family do not. My husband acknowledges it but doesn’t always put me, his wife, ahead of her. Or ahead of the rest of his family for that matter.
My husband is likely depressed and is burning himself out. He is grumpy and prickly and not the laid back man I married. He hates his job, but chooses to remain where he is due to benefits that are allowing him to finish a very important degree necessary for his line for work. He does not engage easily in relational intimacy right now, which puts a strain on our relationship and on my desire to pursue intimacy with him.
Work doesn’t fulfill me. I have a chronic health condition that makes keeping up with everything challenging. In this moment I feel as though hope has been deferred and my heart is breaking. I hold things together because someone has to and I often feel I cannot be my true and authentic self. I’m not even sure who that is any more. I don’t speak of my prophetic gifting except with a very very small circle of friends. I am unlearning misinformation about the prophetic and being taught anew what the prophetic is to a new testament world. These are not easy lessons because they strip away layers of my beliefs and understanding of who I am.
When I had this dream of Jesus watching the shenanigans of the temple money changers, I had had a particularly nasty fight with my husband about his mom and some boundaries I needed to put in place. I was called a shrew and accused of transferring some of my experiences with another borderline in my life onto his mom. This wouldn’t have hurt like it did if just a few weeks prior my husband hadn’t acknowledged some things about his mother’s behaviors and I had this sense I was no longer trying to cope alone.
In that one fight I felt as though our hard fought unity had been shattered and he was going to revert back to excusing her behaviors and leaving me out in the cold. I felt as though I would always be on the losing end of this battle for our marriage. Exhausted, alone and licking my wounds, I crawled into bed and cried. I think I told God I couldn’t fight any more. That I didn’t know what else to do. Then I had THE DREAM.
Claire had a similar dream around the same time. She has her own reasons to cry out to God. I thought at the time I was dreaming for her. Giving confirmation that Jesus had her back, was watching the money changers in her life and was going to turn the tables. Jesus is glorious that way, and I see that so clearly for other people. And he has turned tables for Claire in real and wonderful ways.
Little did I know that this dream was a message for me, as well.
Only recently do I see Jesus standing for me. I am letting go of low self esteem, inaccurate beliefs and false humility and my eyes and heart are beginning to open to the realization that Jesus has my back and that it his desire to help me. He has a plan. He sees my hurt and frustration and he wants me to know he stands before me. He will clear the temple just for me.
What does God want me to know? That I’m not alone. That He sees and acknowledges the truth of my situation. And that He will not let injustice stand. He has my back. I can trust Him to not only stand for me but to also give me what I need to rise up and over my challenges. That He is in the middle of my marriage, my relationships with my MIL. He has always been and has never left.
I hope it doesn’t take me too long to learn from this new insight. I have a feeling this is just the leading edge of the storm.
running parallels 
The power of the One with the one. I think this is just the beginning of the process of your sojourn of getting to know Jesus’ heart for you…and what his heart has been all along.
The power of the One with the one, indeed.
This is the beginning. Why am I not more excited?
Because you’re scared. Go see “The Hobbit” if you have not. I think you’ll relate to Bilbo. And then listen to what Gandalf says to Bilbo and about Bilbo to the company before they’ve even set out. It’s all in the spirit of prophetic. It reminded me of how God spoke to Gideon. “If I say he’s a burglar, then he’s a burglar!” And poor Bilbo is just standing there amongst these Philistine dwarves who’ve eaten all his food, ruined his plumbing, tracked in mud all over his precious Hobbit hole, and used his doilies as dishtowels. He’s horrified, repulsed, and incredulous. An adventure?! Wha….? Hobbits don’t adventure. He likes his little hole in the shire just fine, thank you very much. It’s not perfect, but it’s familiar. “If I say she’s a _______, then she’s a _______!” It doesn’t matter if you believe it. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared. If God has declared it, then it’s true. And he’s now going to relate to you, put you into situations, etc. as if you ARE what he says you ARE. Just as Bilbo was treated as the company’s burglar from the beginning of the adventure, whether he accepted it or not, he was. Was he in over his head? Oh yes. Did he need help all the time? To be sure. Was he a burglar? Well, in the end, he was, wasn’t he? We all know what he burgled both big and small–the ring and treasure from Smaug. He outsmarted trolls and all sorts of other things. There was so much more to him than he ever thought, and that was because Gandalf made a declaration over his life and took him on an adventure. So, I suspect that you will now be treated as God sees (and says) you. You’ll understand what’s he’s doing a lot better if you understand that. You are NOT the woman that you believe yourself to be. You are the woman that he has created you to be and declared you to be. That’s your starting point for understanding and relating back to God.
I love this post and related to it in so many ways. Unfortunately, it is my mother who is the Borderline so my husband really has been in the position you are in- telling me the objective truth and me being unwilling or unable to bear it. It is a hard position for a spouse to be in.
That dream you had about Jesus and the money changers is brilliant. Thank you for sharing that. It is so like him to give you a dream like that. He is working on your behalf (I think this post is an older one so maybe those things have already turned around.) But such a powerful dream. I love it. And I like MJ’s description of Bilbo in the hobbit…I thought the exact same thing when I watched it- one of the many many reasons I LOVE LOTR!!! God bless you today…
I think it’s difficult to be the person with a Borderline parent (in my case, grandparent), and to be the person who is outside that relationship, aka the spouse or partner. I used to work for my mother-in-law so I saw some of these behavior patterns before I knew what it was I am now the bad daughter-in-law because I have confronted her, because she has over shared with me details of her life no DIL and no child should know about a parent. In her eyes I am a rival for her son’s affections and I do hold some sway with her family because I have the authority of my psychology degree on my side. Her interpretation of my role in the family, not mine.
This post was just over a year ago and in that time things have changed but slowly. And not always for the better. My husband is burned out and his distress tolerance has receeded dramatically, almost to the point where any hint of conflic sends him into a spiral. His mother became enmeshed in a dating relationship and that relationship has recently ended. He walks in fear of how that lovely event will impact his own life. He loves his mother but hasn’t reconciled the fact that loving an aging parent with an untreated mental illness isn’t about making life easier for them by giving into them at every turn. It’s about establishing boundaries, treating them with respect within those boundaries. Boundaries established with respect and compassion for all parties is love. He’s allowed to say no to requests. He’s allowed to suggest alternatives. He’s also allowed to let her make her choices and live with the consequences of those choices. We all need to live with the natural consequences of our choices. That’s not judgement or punishment.
Thank you for replying. It’s an interesting journey we are all on, is it not? And life is so much bigger than we think. Here’s to learning to live the bigger lives God has given us!
This all sounds pretty familiar. Between a rock and a hard place, for sure! That is nice that you do have some sway and influence in the family. I currently, have none, but I don’t really care anymore. I’m free to live my life and move forward. It is tough though- for you, I’m sure. Knowing you can’t force your husband to make more healthy ilfe choices. I know for sure this has been tough for my husband, waiting for me to get it and find the courage to move forward.
I think everyone who is married has a dance like this, maybe not as intense. It’s easier to see patterns or to note bad behavoir and choices when you’re outside the dynamic. It’s much more difficult when you’re enmeshed within the dynamic. I’ve only recently acknowledged that my mother, who is the daughter of a borderline, had victimized me during my formative years. And that she often plays the waif when dealing with confrontation. She’s a good person, but she has learned behaviors and tendancies that perpetuate a cycle. Until she finds therapy for herself, or an incredibly healing encounter with God, these will continue. Who saw this before I did? Claire and my husband. We need the people who live outside our family dynamics to be our mirrors. And we need to be patient with ourselves and with our partners. And so the dance continues on. 🙂